Hypothetical, let’s assume we tried to find out yesterday. This is the evening’s story how it could be. Hypothetical, remember.

On the late afternoon our beloved Aunt Anna arrived, we talked about this and that because it has been a little while since we met last. Then, around half past 5pm I was in a hurry to approach the city because I, of course, needed to make a beeline to the library (which closes at 7pm) to get an important book for my final paper. (No time to put on some make up or even to dress properly. Why, sir, don’t you like my sweatpants? They’re comfortable, at least…) Meanwhile the weather changed from scorching heat to really hot and stormy so I had to pick up everything of value lying around in the garden plus to protect everything that shouldn’t get wet. A little while later I could finally lean back in our car, turn the key in the ignition and … don’t worry, of course the engine did run. But the car was nearly out of fuel and I had to stop at the next gas station. There I struggled with the fuel dispenser because the driver in front of me though it’s common to park as convenient as possible (not for me, of course, and so I was a bit out of reach), but everything was successful finished soon and I, of course, did find the tank cup (blown away by the mild storm) just in time before it could get stuck anywhere. Also, my credit card was accepted. This could be my lucky day, mate!

A little time later, still on my way towards the city, I remembered the emptiness in my purse that usually goes very bad with an evening out and had to take another stop at a cash point.

‘Hurray, the city is near, just get your husband’s little ass right beside you in the car and off we go!’, might have been the thoughts trespassing my capable brain. But then, approximately 100 meters away from that man’s working place, I found the largest construction site possible, no driving through possible. So I had to park the car further away, call him by phone to help him find me and prayed there wouldn’t be a meter maid approaching while I had to wait. Hey, this would actually be my lucky day because the only person approaching was my husband and with a good mood, too! How very rare…

I, smart as I am, decided to park my car in a garage next to the library I had to get to just in time before they were closing. I made it, snapped my book and went for a big walk down to the university where 2 further books were waiting for me. Always accompanied by my dear husband. No need to hurry, here, the university is open 24hrs a day. After checking out there the stormy weather had increased a lot, so that I couldn’t see one single thing because every time I took a glimpse of the surrounding area there were things landing in my eyes. Things of every size and shape possible. My husband, on the other hand, got problems to use his voice because all the dust stuck in his throat. To escape the advancing rainstorm we hopped onto the next train and went straight for a nice bar. There we had a nice meal, talked about iCarly (that is the one TV series our 7yo watches that we like both and apparently we’re not really able to watch a lot of adult TV, because that was the ONLY series we talked about – well, maybe we’re just a bit weird) and drink something. In fact, I drank a lot, because my circulation is rather low, especially in summer and it helps a lot to drink a lot. Easy Peasy.

A little while later, the female heroine of this story decided to call it an evening early because she was very tired (keeping guard for a class of 7yo while they are floundering about in the water of the local swimming pool the whole morning will do that to you) and so we left around half past 8pm. Not before going to the bathroom once more (just me, of course) because drinking lemonade is absolutely not the best idea before leaving for a longer time without restroom available.

On the way to our car we looked at the different shop windows, because the shops all are already closed at 8pm. There is no danger to actually buy the delicious displayed chocolate that makes you drooling. Meanwhile, we were in no hurry and walking slow, I felt the need to pee. Again. So, we had to walk a little bit faster because it’s a long way home and there’s no possibility for a woman to find relief in the next park like all the mighty men can do so easily.

We reached the shopping mall where we parked our car earlier. Of course the first door we were approaching was locked, because the mall also closes at 8pm. But there probably should be an extra entry to get to the garage because all the garages in the city are open late. All garages? Rounding one corner and another and still feeling this growing need to find a bathroom (usually you can find a toilet inside a garage) our hearts dropped a little and sank down the rest as soon as we could see the sign announcing that the garage was closed. ‘Wait. Our car is in there.’ or ‘What the fuck, why is this damned garage already closed?’ might have been our thoughts. Then we discovered that, although the doors were all locked down, the driveway for the cars was still open. Hey, what a chance. 100% sure that there would be no oncoming car (and after reading the sign displaying the opening times – until 8:30pm only) we started to climb up the damned driveway with the intention to try and get our car out of there. If you could get in, there has to be a way out, too, hasn’t it? At least the neon lights were still on and our car was parked on the first level so the walk wouldn’t be too long. But the pay machines. Aren’t they all inside the mall in this garage? Inside the securely closed up mall? Not all! Thank you, Mr. architect, there was one in reach and it worked, too, although the allowed parking time officially was over by then. But would the machine at the exit accept it and open up the barrier blocking our way towards freedom? It did! Hallelujah and praise the Lord! So, off we went and cried out ‘Fortune favors fools!’.

Huh. That big garage door. Wasn’t that open just a few minutes ago?

Where there would have been free passage just some time ago, now we looked at a big, solid garage door. Sound and safe locked. My husband killed the car’s engine, we both stopped the praising abruptly. I felt the uncomfortable stretch of my bladder. And we were stuck. Nowhere a phone number to call. What use are mobiles of when you don’t know who to call? My really stressed brain remembered the one number you can always use for emergency calls. And then I suggested my husband to call the police and explain our very, very, very distressing situation.

Meanwhile, of course, I found out, that this special garage, only opened when the mall is, has no toilets integrated. Why should it? You could always use the ones inside the mall. If you wouldn’t be caged with the mall closed up, that is. So. Worst scenario possible. We were waiting for some help while in a really awkward situation. We had no idea how long everything could take and I had to pee. Like PEE. Immediately. Did I already mention that there are of course a lot of cameras installed inside this garage? ‘God, please give me a dick so I can stand discreetly by the side!’, was a prayer that remained unanswered. So started to march around, up and down the driveway, to find a spot without a camera and to find the boldness to pull down my sweatpants in the middle of a goddamn driveway of a parking garage! Finally I was brave enough to settle down, my buttocks probably shining like the full moon under the illumination of bright neon glow lamps.

You know what a girl needs to pee? To relax the compressor. There’s no way any woman or girl on earth could pee without relaxing. You think you could relax in that situation? That, I must repeat urgently, HYPOTHETICAL situation? Yeah, I think I couldn’t either.

The Garage Incident

But then I tried out every relaxing breathing method I ever heard of and somehow managed to relax enough and felt the first drop fall down. That is the instant in our hypothetical story when my husband urgently called me. So I thought of a sh!tload of police officers just a few metres down the driveway and … so much about relaxing any muscles. Immediately I did not drop but hoist my pants in a frantic moment of panic and started running downwards (me and my shamefully colored cheeks, the facial ones, I mean).

There was no single police officer. But an open garage door. And a proud husband, on his way to call the police off. He found a sensor down on the floor that opens up the garage door as soon as your car hits it. A smart man. Unfortunately a little bit too smart. He really could’ve taken some seconds more because, honestly, dropping your trousers and squatting down in such a placement and than not even being able to feel the relief of an empty bladder, that is rich.

Anyway, still feeling that pressure, reminding me of torture right then, did change the view of the city as I knew it before. Everywhere I scanned for a place hidden enough to, yes you know what I’m talking about. Also, my ability of doing small talk and to feel relief about the solved problems did lack a bit. But then I remembered the big cinema center right around the corner, where you can use the bathroom without being questioned. The relief of that thought almost broke the concentrating hold on my bladder but finally, after waiting at the most extended red traffic light of the whole wide world I found heaven inside a public bathroom.

And then I laughed. And laughed. And laughed. All the way home. And ever after.

Remember: this whole story is hypothetical. So there’s really no need to search YouTube for a video of a woman and her buttocks in the middle of a driveway…

But let’s not start in the middle of my story. This is already day 5 of our journey. I’m still waiting for the benefits to kick in. True story: I don’t have to cook within this health resort and the tidying up as the washing is rather reduced.
What I already gained are the following impressions.

1. A 10hour ride by train with two little kids, a stroller and some bags is an experience of its own. It’s unbelievable how anyone can maneuver when there’s so little space available. I’m for sure glad that I’m not that oversized. Then it’s completely senseless to pack a variety of things for your kids to be occupied during the journey. They won’t like the things you chose anyway. Wait, please don’t ever have the funny idea to trust the online booking system of your friendly train provider. They will plan your connections rather within a very short time interval. No need to mention that I nearly missed the next train and was nervous like hell during my ride. Couldn’t eat anything the whole day.

2. You can travel for days by train without your kid falling asleep. But as soon as your butt makes connection with the seat of that bus that will take you the last few meters you’ll have a snoring extra package to carry (not a very light one, too).

3. It’s great to be your own chief and lead a life most self-determined. That’s probably the most important discovery I’ve made so far. To be the one who sets the schedules. To decide whether it’s time for a meal or not. Whether you will do this or that or not. That, my dear ones, I will hold deep inside my heart for the future to come.

4. Just listening to the ocean makes you calmer as a stone. It’s not important when you’re surrounded by crying kids, that will not shock you in that moment. Of course the kids are also very calm and content when facing the ocean. I love it. And as I don’t like swimming very much it’s absolutely okay for me to be here in winter.

5. You’re absolutely fucked when you’re seriously ill within a health resort. They’ll bring the meals to your room as in hospital, what’s a good idea. But they put you in quarantine, so you’re practically locked into your room WITH THE KIDS! I’m glad, you can imagine, that I was only sick at night with that stomach flu and that I had a really great 7yo who was the perfect nanny on the next morning. I’m blessed with a child who can sense the gravity of a situation and will help out there. Johanna, you’re just great!

6. To go on a walk with approx. 70 other mothers plus all the kids is not that much fun.

7. No need to give up hope but it’s rather not likely that your kids transform into late risers just because breakfast isn’t prepared before 7:30. So every morning can start with a lovely longer or shorter repetition of the “I want” sentences. And you’ll probably want something, too….

So far the whole treatment thing didn’t start off and I’m really hoping next week will bring some improvements. Johanna is not very happy here, so far. I think Emily will be okay with kindergarten in a while and I’m sure that some of the treatments will be rather pleasant. Still, my sorrows are concentrating on Johanna. She has not found a friend yet and school lessons will start tomorrow. Furthermore I didn’t find any activity her and me could do together but without Emily. So we’re stuck with trying our best on our own. Nevertheless I’m looking for tomorrow when some kind of routine will finally kick in (hopefully). Be prepared for onfollowing reports of disaster. Ah, and the bulky selection of pics and maybe films I didn’t produce yet but promised y’all

P.S. It’s so great that amazon delivers within days to every address… just orderer some movies for my little ones. Call me an Internet addict.

This is how we proceeded.

1. I’d recommend you to check out your children’s’ hair on a regular basis. It’s a good thing to discover lice before they’ve build up a whole city.
2. You’ll rarely actually see a louse sitting between some hair. They will never be sitting still so you’d rather find out about their existence by glancing at nits. Nits are the lice’s eggs. They look rather similar to dandruff, but may be grayish/silvery. Also, a nit’s shape reminds you more off a very little pearl where dandruff is rather flat. To be sure you can try to wipe the particle away, using your finger (you won’t die doing that . Everything that can be wiped away is NO NIT. Nits stuck. And that’s exactly why nits suck so much.
3. Well, you apparently found nits. Or even living lice. Then you should run to the next drugstore and buy a liquid against lice. There are liquids based on pesticide. They’re not very nice to your hair but effective. I’d rather not apply them on little children’s heads. Also, there’s a variety of oil-based mixtures. They will kill the lice by suffocation. Some of these liquids can be even applied on baby’s head. I made the experience that oil-based mixtures seem to be efficient enough to kill all lice. Furthermore they’re resulting in smooth hair. So I’d recommend them. But you should always ask a chemist or doctor to be sure.
4. The lice host has to endure the whole procedure in any case. I did check out every single head in my family and when I found a single nit or the person was complaining about itching I also put the liquid on their heads. But I didn’t choose the pesticide version for that.
5. While the liquid is soaking in (between 10min and 8hours, depends on the product you chose) you replace every single sheet, bedclothes etc the louse head contacted. You should also replace the sheets etc. of all family members.
6. Remove stuffed animals and things like that. Everything soft and cuddly that could’ve been contaminated.
7. Pick up all brushes, hair ties and things like that.
8. Don’t forget caps, pullovers (especially hooded ones), jackets and scarfs.
9. EVERYTHING has to endure one of the 3 following procedures:
a) Wash with a min. temperature of 60degrees celsius for at least 10 min
b) Put into a plastic sac, really good closed for 4-6 weeks
c) Put into a plastic sac and into the freezer for 2days
d) For clothes that require cold washing you can buy a special liquid that is added to the soap.
10. You think you already had fun? Now, that will make your day:
You’ll need a special comb for nits. Then you have to examine every single wisp of hair and remove the nits. They won’t be loosened by the liquid you applied and they maybe won’t be dead inside. So you have to remove them. All of them. You’ll usually find them approx. 3 cm away from the scalp. You have to peel’em off using your fingernails, ’cause the comb will only be able to catch grown up lice. That’s much fun and can last on for hours.
11. Afterwards you’re clean. All of you. You can immediately start to join social groups again.
But
12. You have to redo everything 7 days later. So you can catch surviving baby lice before they’re old enough to make their own little nits.
13. Afterwards you’re done. In every way possible.

Good luck.